Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

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Welcome back to the randomness. I’ve been out of commission for the past two weeks. A lot has been happening in my personal life but I have been stuck for topics. Every time I find a topic I want to write about Buzzfeed beats me to the punch. I don’t know if that means I am on the pulse of pop culture or I’m just as pathetic as Buzzfeed when it comes to writing. Either way, I’m back. I’m back with a little story about my life.

Mirrors. They have been the bane of my existence since I became aware of my body. Let me explain. Growing up I didn’t think much about how my body looked to the world. I enjoyed my life. I ate what I wanted. I ran around singing on the top of the lungs. I danced. I was completely open to what was to come.

Then the start of puberty happened. I remember this. Back when I was about 11 or 12 years old my Great Aunt Charlotte took me out to dinner and shopping on my birthday. I remember putting on a dress she wanted me to try. I was standing in the Macy’s three-way mirror when she said it.

You are a lady now. Suck in your stomach.

It was like a switch went off in my head. It was a dramatic switch. Sad music didn’t play like on the sitcoms I grew up with nor did I stare into the mirror pondering the statement. I just sucked in my stomach then went on with my life.

That statement stuck with me, though. Before I could look in the mirror, as me, and feel fine. Now I checked out every inch of my body while sucking in my stomach (a stomach I wasn’t even aware of till then).

I stopped looking straight at myself in the mirror. I would lower my eyes and only look at my body. I fussed with how my clothes looked. Comparing myself to my friends or celebrities. Mind you I grew up during the Paris Hilton Brat Pack era. Everyone was thinner than the normal human being.

That attitude continued throughout my teen years into my twenties. I would avoid mirrors. I just couldn’t do it. My brain wouldn’t let me look myself in the eye when looking at a mirror. I would even put a towel or zip up hoodie over my makeup mirror when I wasn’t using it.

Until recently.

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I had a health scare a year ago that prompted me to lose weight and start working on my own thought process. So far, as of this writing, I am down 70 pounds and have 50 more to go. That prompted me to take the towel off my makeup mirror. I started looking into my mirror and trying to appreciate what I have and what I am.  It was tough. I found myself averting my eyes. I would hear that inner voice make those nasty comments. Yet, I refused to listen.

Now, I find myself starting to look at the positive whenever I look at my face in the mirror. It doesn’t happen every day but it happens more often. I’m starting to learn that I’m worth it. I’m worth looking at and enjoying what I see.

It will be a long process but I’m finally on a more positive self-image I never expected to have.

Tell me what you do about mirrors. Do you look or are you working on your self-confidence as well?

Until next time, the randomness has ended. I hope you have enjoyed.

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One Comment

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  1. successforsmartwomen May 6, 2016 — 8:02 AM

    Hello Amanda,
    I have only recently realised how toxic all the popular media are and make us self-conscious about our bodies. I realised that because I have stopped reading women’s magazine (which should make you feel better about yourself and actually don’t), watching tv, following ‘models’ instagram accounts for a while now, and I have actually almost stopped thinking about my body shape. Not that I stopped looking after myself, but I do it in a much more relaxed way.
    Maybe try and think in your life today what makes you thinking so much about what your body should look like (tv? Social media? Etc) and see whether you could cut some of it.
    Good luck with it all.
    B.

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